I feel very mean for saying this, but sometimes, I wish I looked after my own interests a little bit more and stopped sharing information with others.

I'm horrible and selfish, but I can't help feeling like this at the moment.

On another note, I'll be on hiatus for some time due to the AS exams, which I cannot afford to flunk any more.

I'll probably be back in December.

Bye.

Murphy's Law

My laptop's the victim of a virus attack.

Fine.

My stupid online banking account won't work when I really need it to.

Fine.

So the birthday present which I spent ages planning out won't reach home on time.

Fine.

I'm in the middle of trials, had a horrible, terrible, vegetable P1 paper, which I probably screwed along with Hamlet and my trial Drama paper while for every other subject, people are happily acing with memorised past papers' answers.

Fine.

The brunt of doing four subjects at AS in the middle of UCAS applications is kinda sorta getting to me a little.

Fine.

I'm terrified of flunking my UKCAT as well at the same time.

Fine.

Ifififififif I get the interview I reallyreallyreally want, it'll probably end up being in the middle of the aforementioned.

Fine.

And I haven't prepared.

Again, fine.

I'm starting to realize how lucky I'd be to even get one interview callback and heck, rejection from all four schools seems to be very likely.

Fine.

But really, what beats losing your Personal Statement in the first event mentioned, that you spent ages drafting barely a week before the internal deadline, while you're in the middle of trials?

I have no words.

Elasticity

I wonder how much it stretch it takes to break a rubber band.

It's been a while. :)

I don't have a solid reason behind my sudden hiatus of sorts. I can't say that I've been so busy that I've had absolutely no time to update, because I've spent quite some time sleeping in front of the laptop out of boredom, even during the three week break we had in, what, June? Even as I type now, I'm due to return to Nowhere in a little over twelve hours after the emergency break due to the H1N1 outbreak.

I had a random thought but it flew away before I could type it out. :(

Oh well, good night. :)

Change of Heart

It must be love. Nothing else explains:

the unbearable longing which I'm left to quell in your absence.

the frequent trips to the cafe, even if I'm broke, just to see if you're there.

the horrible twinge of jealousy when I see you with someone else.

the overwhelming joy when it's just you and me, alone.

how I don't want to share you with even my closest friends, though I force myself to do it with a smile.

how I want our little moments to last forever, if they could.

how, when it comes to you, money is nothing. And that's a big deal.

how you make my heart ache so much in the face of such sweet temptation.

how I want to loathe you but end up sinking deeper.

how I can honestly admit to myself that I love you.

This is for you, my dear Gardenia Delicia Butterscotch. No other mass produced bread will capture my heart in quite the same way.

It's When The Flies Start Buzzing Around Your Head

You know how when it's so hot that you can literally see heat waves penetrating the ground, your mind just shuts down in spite of the fact that you might be having a potentially argh-worthy paper in the coming week? It's been one of those days.

One-and-a-half wasted days when I should be making desperate love to poetry and Mansfield and I spend it with my mind drifting all over the place. But it did settle on one disturbingly interesting, persistent thought.

Have any of you ever wondered, when you're standing on the edge of that 15-story building, what it would feel like to just jump? Given the fact that I'm an altophobe, I definitely find it strange that the idea's been tossed around in my head for quite some time. It didn't help that re-watching that particular episode of Shigofumi served to rekindle an old flame.

I think if my mother ever found out about this, I'd be sent straight back into therapy, but I'm not particularly suicidal. I just wonder what it'd feel like. I don't really know how to explain it. I think we all have those days.

Maybe if I ever get down to it, I'll let you know from the other side.

3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine

Excuse my less-than-eloquent phrasing, but I feel high.

Like, cloud nine high.

For all my condemning of druggies, if 5 mg of a substance makes you feel like what I do now, I can perhaps understand a little why they do it.

Even if it's temporary.